Once My Looks Go, I've Got Nothing

     I came upon this appalling bit of "cinema"while scouring Youtube for concise, informative how-to videos about varnishing cabinetry:      Needless to say, this crude claptrap contained few, if any, valuable varnishing hints. Quite the contrary! Instead, I was greeted with binge drinking, cartoon pornography and references to reptilian genitalia. I would call this video garbage, but I don't want to insult the pile of used syringes behind my apartment. But lest I come off as unfair, allow me to break down this buffoonish enterprise to fully enlighten you as to the depths of its inanity.      We open with Garrett Steel making a laughable attempt to pretend to be waking up. I can pretend to wake up better than that in my sleep! But Steel's thespianism in on par with that of Jeremy Irons compared to his clownish compatriot, Joey Marsilio, who we are introduced to via uncomfortable closeup, his face practically glistening ...

The more astute among you may know that I hold a Bachelor's Degree in English Language Literature from the prestigious UC Santa Cruz, where, Wikipedia tells me, Ego Trip's The White Rapper Show runner-up John Brown attended. The numerous minutes of work that led to my acquisition of said degree has instilled in me a furious passion for the English language, which will likely eventually become a mild fondness for the English language, and will no doubt end up a grudging, resentful acceptance of the English language. Amidst this passion has grown a resentment for renowned poet E.E. Cummings. Some amongst you may believe that said resentment comes from the fact that my porn moniker, P.P. Cummings, was met with universal ridicule, but this is an erroneous belief. The fact is, Cummings and his avant-garde poetry make a mockery of the syntax, punctuation, and proper capitalization I hold so dear, and I simply cannot sit idly by while his bizarrely-phrased musings metaphorically te...