My Plot to Drive E.E. Cummings Insane

The more astute among you may know that I hold a Bachelor's Degree in English Language Literature from the prestigious UC Santa Cruz, where, Wikipedia tells me, Ego Trip's The White Rapper Show runner-up John Brown attended. The numerous minutes of work that led to my acquisition of said degree has instilled in me a furious passion for the English language, which will likely eventually become a mild fondness for the English language, and will no doubt end up a grudging, resentful acceptance of the English language. Amidst this passion has grown a resentment for renowned poet E.E. Cummings. Some amongst you may believe that said resentment comes from the fact that my porn moniker, P.P. Cummings, was met with universal ridicule, but this is an erroneous belief. The fact is, Cummings and his avant-garde poetry make a mockery of the syntax, punctuation, and proper capitalization I hold so dear, and I simply cannot sit idly by while his bizarrely-phrased musings metaphorically teabag the language I currently love.
Therefore, I have adopted a campaign intended to rob Mr. Cummings of his sanity. First of all, you may note that I have flagrantly insisted on both capitalizing and properly punctuating his name every time I have used it. Boy, that ought to get him steamed. I realize that Mr. Cummings himself may not have insisted on the perennial lowercase, non-punctuated presentation of his name that publishers have embraced, and that he may have meant it as a gesture of humility. Bah, I say! Defying the conventions of a language is hardly humble; rather, it is a brazen load in the eyes of scholars like myself that seek to keep the rules of the English language intact. In fact, I think Cummings may be to blame for the proliferation of abominations such as b4, l8r, and mmf that this modern era of text messaging and IMing has brought upon us. In light of the ruinous damage he has wrought, my campaign against E.E. Cummings (did it again there, see?) extends far beyond just punctuating his name correctly. I have resolved to do no less than spell and punctuate EVERYTHING I write correctly, just to really throw it in his face! Yeah, yeah, you like that, Cummings? You like that proper syntax?
What's that? You're telling me that E.E. Cummings is dead, and has been for decades, and hence will never get to be uber-burned by my totally rad campaign? Seriously?
God, what a waste of my time.


Anonymous said…
Thanks for writing this.
Sheila said…

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