Once My Looks Go, I've Got Nothing

  Ever since my wife and I started dating back in (yikes) 2014, she's been regaling me with stories of Puerto Rico's loveliness. Oh, we simply must go there, she would say, in a voice that my brain remembers as being far more countess-sounding than it actually was. But, to incorrectly paraphrase Dr. Ian Malcolm: life, uh, gets in the way . Recently though, we were presented with a truly unique motivation to finally pay Sheila's homeland a long-overdue visit: her grandmother's 100th birthday party. And thus began, at long last, our voyage to the island of enchantment.    Into the Groove Purely by happenstance, before this whole Puerto Rico trip was even proposed, we had a smaller vacation planned in early March. Nine Inch Nails was playing at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and, having not seen them live since George W. Bush was in office, the time seemed right to take a musically-themed mini vacation. And it was indeed that, though I could not have predicted the exact natur...

Sometimes, one simply needs to get out of town. Perhaps you might owe money to mobsters who are now hunting you, wanting to collect on the debt you owe them. Or perhaps you might need to flee a raging disaster, like a fire or flood. Or perhaps the very sight of your home fills you with dread, as flitting shadows conjure dark memories that torment you, day and night. Or perhaps you just need a temporary change of scenery. Either way. Recently, my wife and I took a trip to Santa Barbara to celebrate her birthday. Santa Barbara, for those unaware, is a lovely city situated on the central California coast. It's kind of like if Santa Cruz had continued going to Sunday School instead of dropping out to dabble with peyote. Its mild climate and gentle shores make it the perfect destination for a summer getaway. What follows here is a chronicle of a getaway of this nature. DAY 1 We stayed at the Hotel Californian, which, despite lacking mirrors on the ceiling and pink champagne on ice (in o...